Grieving (just keep swimming)

My friend asked me to send an email to her friend who had just lost her mom and was really struggling.  Here's what I came up with:

Things that have helped me with losing my Mom:  

Jesus.  His Grace is Mighty to Save.  I thought for sure I would be broken after losing my mom and a month later losing my baby.  But I wasn't.  And I was SO grateful to Him for that.  

Time.  There is a quote that says, "Time heals all wounds."  There is still scarring but it is definitely a huge help.  In my mind I kind of think of loss like treading water.  When I first lost my mom (and Sam and Iris) I felt like I could barely handle the emotion--like trying to tread in deep heavy water.  Eventually the water starts feeling less deep and you can find your feet again and start walking.  When you do find your feet it still feels hard to keep going (you're still in water so there's definitely no running but more like slow tiring walking).  As even more time passes it's more like walking on the beach--there is always the reminder of the water there (the grief) but you can walk pretty well, and sometimes even run (the really awesome days).  Occasionally, you will fall into a rut (like on a holiday or mother's day) but you swim your way back out again and start walking.  I'm not sure if this analogy makes sense but as I was thinking about it this is EXACTLY how grief has felt to me, but in an emotional way.  My dad always quotes Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming."

Taking one day at a time--looking ahead at the rest of my life without my mom in the picture was too much to bear--it was better to just take one day at a time and not think long term for a while.  

Planning on holidays really sucking--my mom was amazing about holidays so to not have her there--especially that first year was HORRIBLE.  But I knew that, planned on it, and grieved my way through that.  I think it's good to just feel your sadness and loss and don't try to avoid that.

My kids--they were good to keep me going.  I couldn't just let my grief consume me and stop me from everyday life because I had to keep going for them.  I loved seeing their resilience and excitement for life.  They were/are a good distraction from the grief.  They were/are a good example to me of staying positive.

Crossfit (or any exercise):  My mom was a big proponent of physical activity.  Crossfit has saved me mentally over and over again the past couple years.  Something about heaving a barbell over my head makes me feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me for the day.   I have a good little group of friends and coaches there too that keep me moving and striving--I'm quite sure if I had tried the same workouts at home it just wouldn't have happened. 

The Mormon Channel--During those hardest months I would listen to talks from past prophets or apostles over and over.  I also especially enjoyed a series on there called Enduring it Well--with stories of people who have passed through seemingly insurmountable trials.  Talking to people who have experienced hard times was always really helpful to me too.  Kind of like a sisterhood or brotherhood of suffering.  Life is just tough and it helps to know that there are lots of people dealing with that...  in a huge variety of ways.  And often when I hear other people's stories I feel grateful for my little bag of troubles.    

Coming up with new traditions..   so many of our traditions on holidays were from my mom and while I like to remember her by still doing many of them it has been helpful to have some new ones--to help adjust to the "new normal" without her.  

The new normal:  that's what my sister and I have talked about a lot with my dad gettting remarried..  life without mom just has to be the new normal and it will take time to get used to that.  I still plan on missing her the rest of my life but slowly I am getting more used to her absence.  I used to always call my mom to tell her stuff and ask her things and I've just had to find other friends or my sister or husband to fill that hole in my life.  

Anger--is a healthy normal okay part of grief.  I still feel flares of anger when I see other girls hanging out with their mom--going shopping, going to lunch, their mom watching their kids..  I think "THOSE BIG FAT JERKS!!"  I'm quite aware it's an irrational response to someone else having a good time but I'm also aware that it's part of my grief so it's OK to have some angry moments.  I let myself feel them and then they pass.  

To keep living life--I made sure and my sweet friends made sure I kept doing things that I would enjoy or doing things I could enjoy with my kids.  My mom taught me that--whenever I was going through a down time or a bit of depression she would remind me to plan some fun things so I would make sure I always had something to look forward to.  My friends were amazing...  I'll never forget how a day or two after my mom had died one of my friends had me over (with my kids) to make apricot jam.  It may have seemed like a small gesture but it was like taking that first step back into real life and it also reminded me that life can still be sweet and wonderful even with my mom gone.  

Gratitude.  My mom had an amazingly hard life and once again a big thing she taught me is the importance of gratitude.  She loved gratitude journals and it has really helped me in those dark times to each day try to find something to be grateful for.  When my brother Sam was in the hospital my mom had him each day come up with something he was grateful for and on those hardest days he always found he could at least be grateful for cheese.  :)

Humor.. speaking of cheese.  Laughing together with my loved ones--talking about things we loved about my mom or funny things she said or did.  That helped too. 

Jesus.  His Grace is Mighty to Save.  He has given me understanding and peace beyond measure.