Iris-One Year

I think I needed to blog today for my own emotional therapy.  One year ago today we lost Iris.  After losing my mom and severely burning my feet I had big hopes for a miracle.  But I think that's the natural human instinct to hope.  Things didn't turn out miraculously but sometimes I just think it's a miracle that we survived July of 2012.  I have been dreading July 31 all month and now it is finally here.  Today has been deeply emotional with a huge range of different thoughts.  I've felt sad, calm, grateful, mad, bitter, and numb.  It was like a whole year of grieving wrapped up into one day.  I felt sad because I miss her and still wish we had a little baby girl in our family.  I felt calm because I know all is well with her and she fulfilled her mission in this life.  I felt sad remembering this awful day one year ago--I remember John pushing me in the wheelchair down the hall and feeling such despair--thinking, "Where is my mom!!"  I wish I could have felt her there and I imagine she was there but it was just a hard empty sad day.  I did feel grateful that Iris didn't have to suffer through endless surgeries and procedures.  And I felt grateful for the huge network of friends and family that got us through last year and this past year.  I felt mad when we went through all her stuff--all the cute outfits I never got to put on her, the little baby sister my kids never got to have.  I felt bitter because I still don't have my baby girl and I want her so much.  I kept thinking "my baby girl" and God reminded me that she is HIS and she is with Him.  I am glad she was in His hands and I do know that things happened the way they were supposed to happen.  John and I prayed many months that she would not have to suffer and He heard those prayers.  We got to hold our little angel for a few hours and then we gave her back to God, her Father.  Feeling numb has always been part of my grieving process--I think to avoid all the pain.  So I guess that is inevitable.  John gave a lesson to the kids on Sunday and talked about how he didn't want Iris's birthday to be a hugely sad day, but more of a day where we celebrate and remember her in a positive way.  We can be happy for her.  It helped me to hear that and I'm thankful for his words because it helped me to have a better attitude the next couple days.  Yes, I still felt negative emotions but I do believe that is natural and unavoidable.  I've grieved before so maybe I am a little experienced.  :)  I am so grateful for Jesus and His grace carrying me through the past year and especially July 2012.  Without Him we wouldn't and won't make it.  Some day we will see Iris again and that will be an amazing happy day.  For now we are missing her still but all is well.  Love you baby girl.